Going out with a bang!

We returned to the spa for another mamas' retreat... and it was absolutely fabulous. I'd write more, but my head hurts from the tequila, champagne, red wine, tequila combination (do not try this at home). We might have crashed a wedding reception, I vaguely recall a noise complaint (I was busy pumping at the time), and we definitely had too much fun (not bad for 5 mamas with 8 children under 4 between us)!

Bottoms up!

This morning we had what might be the last spiked playgroup in its current incarnation (minus a very important member who has recently turned into a jet setter... when will we see you again Liz?!). At one point, we were all in Amy's kitchen (enjoying our watermelon heavens--a little number Amy came up with involving watermelon and coconut rum), and I looked around and there were 4 babies playing at our feet and three of the toddlers were engaged in a game that required them to come screaming into the kitchen and then under the table (sweet little B was watching all of the commotion from the safety of her mama's lap). It was total chaos... loud, messy, wild, out of control, and absolutely perfect.

When these playgroups started, we were very pregnant and the toddlers didn't so much as play with each other as torment one another (and pass germs back and forth). We broke up fights, enforced time outs, facilitated sharing, and ran around lugging our huge bellies with us... and we were so grateful to be in the company of others who were on this same crazy journey. Then the little babies came and there was a lot of nursing wee ones while the toddlers ran around like wild animals (and the mama who didn't have a baby currently attached to her boob, helped settle battles over toys, hurt feelings, and potty training mishaps). That is when the the spiked playgroup was really born... because having that many women, tiny babies, and toddlers in one house pretty much required alcohol. And in the middle of the mayhem, we helped each other figure out how in the hell to adapt to our new lives.

Now the toddlers play with each other with very little need for intervention (the babies are the ones we have to constantly monitor for choking hazards and toy grabbing antics). We have emerged from this wild ride with in tact marriages, well adjusted toddlers, and thriving one year olds... and friendships that are based on a deep trust and connection having been forged under pretty remarkable circumstances. No matter what was going on in our lives, we could count on a few of us carving out a couple sacred hours on any given Friday morning. There would be food, drink, and unconditional support. And now everything is about to change.

You see, Shanna's family is packing up and heading to Texas, I will be (hopefully, hopefully) working full time in the fall, and Amy is registering for classes now that her big boy will be going to school 5 mornings a week... and everyone else's lives seems to be in one kind of transition or another. I guess that is just how life works... maybe we don't need our beloved spiked playgroup so much anymore... or maybe it is just going to evolve into something totally new and equally wonderful (I vote for this!!). All I know is that it was there for me in this time in my life when I desperately needed to be surrounded by other women going through this same wild and amazing thing... and I will be forever grateful. I also know that these friendships will remain strong and will hold a special place in my heart for as long as I live.

It isn't going to be the same, but somehow I know that it is all going to be okay. Here's to new horizons, adventures, and whatever comes next... bottoms up ladies! And thank you from the bottom of my heart!

Whoa... I'm Bizzy! And other recent videos that made me smile...

Because the photo just didn't capture the cuteness...


Because this really is pretty fucking sweet!


Because Aden is becoming a little fish like his sister...

Salud!

Last Friday, I had a massage. Back when Kiki was here (you know... A YEAR AGO when Aden was born), she gifted us certificates for massages (thank you Kiki!!). The Mr. finally used his on Monday and scheduled mine for Friday. I went into town early to run some errands, got a bite to eat, and then got a wonderful massage... and I realized that it was the first time in many many days that I hadn't had one or both of the littles with me. This is partly because I've been wanting to be with them as much as possible while I can... and partly because I've been doing the bulk of childcare duties so the Mr. can make some headway on his dissertation... GO ANDREW GO!). I guess I should not have been surprised by the fact that my body is a bit of a wreck (I totally destroyed my lower back a week or so ago pulling Aden from the pack 'n play in the middle of the night and haven't been right since).

I've been pregnant and/or nursing for over 3 years straight (side note: I cannot stop thinking about how hugely pregnant I was this time last summer and I also cannot stop thinking about the fact that I was already pregnant with Aden when Charlie was Aden's current age... and then I have to breathe into a paper bag for a minute). I lug around a 23 pound lump of a child wherever I go (sometimes while lugging his even larger sister at the same time). I cannot ever count on sleep... some nights are great and others are spent in contorted positions trying to sleep with a baby on my boob. I squeeze in laundry, grocery shopping, cleaning, writing, and job hunting when I can. I manage with caffeine, carbs, chocolate, and a stiff drink when I need it. This all equals a pretty stressed and depleted body (but one that I am constantly amazed by and damn proud of even as I abuse it)!

However, when my neck went out on Sunday, I knew I needed to take some action. Yes, it took a fucked up sacrum, a major pain in my neck, and a truly horrible cycle to finally motivate my ass back on the acupuncture table... and I am so very glad I went. I know acupuncture doesn't work for everybody, but it really does amazing things for me. In addition to a very long and intense treatment, she ordered me to take some iron and herbs, and I promised to return in a month. I woke up yesterday feeling better than I have in a very long time (maybe had something to do with skipping "Margarita Monday"?). Do I still need my caffeine and chocolate? Yes. Will I continue to enjoy on a cocktail or two to get me through the rough days? Yes. I'll just make sure I schedule that monthly appointment and drink my iron and herbs as well! Baby steps? Yes. But in the right direction I think.

P.S. I thought it was pretty funny that both the massage therapist and acupuncturist commented on how much they liked working on mothers. They both basically said that we were very easy to please. Seriously... they could have just let me lie down for an hour on the table listening to soothing music and I would have been happy.

P.P.S. Some recent photos because they make me happy...Multitasking... reading to toddler while also wrangling wayward baby


Getting dizzy... or "bizzy" as Charlie likes to say


Watching the 4th of July parade in a "Charlie Ann Original" hat


Can you say chunky monkey?!

Soaking it all up...

Preschool...

It looks like we found a sweet little preschool for the fall (2 half days a week). We went for a visit today and Charlie Ann was so excited about her new school that she cried most of the way home... because she didn't want to leave.

Here is my big girl (wearing a dress my sisters and I wore)...

Bitter sweet...

We've been wondering what the next academic year would look like for our family for a long time. Over the past six months, I've imagined everything from me taking a tenure track position in Oregon to staying home full time with the babies so the Mr. could take a full time gig (and somehow write his dissertation). And then the economy hit the skids, the Mr. landed an amazing fellowship, and almost all local career opportunities for me dried up (adjunct gigs all but disappeared... not to mention tenure track positions). Right now one good local work option remains (knock on wood) and I am keeping my fingers (and toes) crossed that it pans out (good thoughts would be much appreciated). What we know right now is that the Mr. will stay home with the babies, write his dissertation, and I will hopefully find gainful employment... to help pay a few bills and to keep at least one foot (or toe) in the career path door. For the first time though, I'm seriously coming to terms with the notion of working a 40 hour week. We've managed for so many years to scrape together a very comfortable (though somewhat humble) living with each of us working part time and mostly from home. We've been so incredibly lucky. We've taught courses we have loved, we've kept our careers moving forward (even if at a slower pace than most), and have both been so very present for the growing and nurturing of our family. I'd hoped we could do this for another year, but the part time jobs aren't out there for me anymore. The "good option" is full time... and is something I believe in, something I think I could do well, and something I would enjoy (and I know it would be a family friendly work environment). I really hope I get it.

I have never not worked since my babies were born... I ran a Master of Arts in Teaching strand the year I had Charlie and wrote my dissertation while pregnant and raising a one year old. I taught my first class as Dr. George a mere 28 days after giving birth to Aden. I probably worked close to 30 hours a week last semester... but I have never worked full time in the go to work and stay there all day kind of way. A tiny part of me thinks I might feel kind of relieved... to have a designated time and place to work... to consolidate the fragmented existence I have lead for the past few years. The rest of me is totally freaking the fuck out. I have friends who have been working out of the home full time (or very close to it) since their babies were very young (day care and pumping and the whole nine yards... and they truly amaze me). I have other friends who are 100 percent stay at home moms (and they truly amaze me too because, let's be clear, that is no cake walk either). I feel like I have had just a little taste of both of these experiences... just enough to know that there are pros and cons to all things related to the work of motherhood and/or working motherhood. I also know that for me and in my own heart, I am simply not ready to leave my babies (even though they will be in the care of their most capable and amazing father). So there it is... I'm not ready... I'd like another year or two or maybe five. But if I'm totally honest with myself, I don't think I'll ever be completely ready. At the same time, there is this part of me that really does want to put my degree and mind to work in this way... especially since right now the Mr. can stay home with our littles and that makes it all seem somewhat less overwhelming. If you think I sound just a touch conflicted, you would be right.

I ordered Womenomics today and hope that if I do in fact land this job, I'll be able to negotiate some flexibility into the contract. I have also made the Mr. promise to bring the babies to visit every day (the office is a really great location for lunch dates and noon time nursing). This job beats all other options I have left on the table... and I do find myself getting excited about the work. It just breaks my heart a little bit too. I've been paying close attention this past week to how often Aden nurses during the day (the short answer is... A LOT). I've tried to count the number of times Charlie and I snuggle up to read a book or draw a picture (many too many to count). I've also kept track of the number of times I lose my mind dealing with a tantrum over a shoe or battle over a diaper change (I block these from my memory shorty after each episode so it is difficult to keep an accurate tally). I know that transitions are always hard. I also know that once we find our new normal, we'll be fine. I'm honestly not worried about anyone but myself... the babies will be happy and healthy (and most likely disc golfing everyday) and the Mr. will pull it all of with grace and gusto. I guess in the end, this post is really just about me... and not wanting to miss one second of the sweetness. So on Friday, we took a long walk in the morning and picked wild flowers along the road. Then in the afternoon, I took the babies to a local dairy to sit on rocking chairs overlooking fields of corn and pastures... and shared an ice cream cone with Charlie (while Aden nursed). Just because I could... and it did make me feel better. No matter what happens, I know it will all be okay. And on the days when it isn't, there will always be ice cream cones.